Category: Stories

update

Sent: Sun, Sep 25, 2016 at 10:20 PM

Recipients: Daughter, Son, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

OK.  So, I was watching one more episode before bed…..Bruce just fired Alfred after Alfred took a sledge hammer to the computer they found in the lower level!!!!4
what?
Now I have to know what happens!!!!
Notes: She’s been watching Gotham and is apparently GRIPPED.

weather

Sent: Wed, Sep 7, 2016 at 9:49 PM

Recipients: Daughter, Son, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

Hey…my phone “weather” button is stuck on Colorado Springs.  While I love Colorado Springs….I’d prefer to see my local weather.
I need help from my techno-intelligent children on this.
I have tried settings.  I have tried hitting the random buttons on the weather page.
Just remember…I have some other fine qualities.  They aren’t always obvious, but they do exist.
Love,
Tech-challenged Mom
Notes: I get it. The Apple weather app is difficult. 

flying

Sent: Tue, Oct 4, 2016 at 12:37 PM

Recipients: Son, Daughter, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

I just had to share our adventure back home.
You were right – your airport is much smaller, so it the security checkpoint was a short line.
After we printed the boarding passes, I kept looking at them all the way to the checkpoint…NO TSA precheck.  What?  I couldn’t figure it out.  However, the regular line was shorter than the precheck line.
K breezed through.  I couldn’t locate my drivers license.  Finally, someone bumped into me from behind and the agent said “she can’t find her ID”, so they went around me.
I finally located my ID, went to the agent and asked – I just got my TSA precheck – what happened?  He said…” you didn’t read the fine print – they can pull you out at any time”.  I asked “so, if you caused a ruckus on a previous flight…would that be a reason?”.  I was scrambling to think if any of the flight crew knew is was me talking about shooting and mentioning ‘bomb’ as I boarded the flight to you.  We got a chuckle and then moved along.
Of course, the agent at the conveyor asked “who belongs to this green suitcase?”  You guessed it!  K could have boarded the plane by now, but she’s watching with her arms raised —what’s going on?
I had to wait for my tennis shoes to come through – the agent spent a long time looking at my tennis shoes on the scanner for some reason.
So….finally get to the special area for them to examine my luggage.  She asked “is there a bear in your luggage?”.
Oh – YES!  That crystal bear came all the way from England!
K corrected me and said Ireland.
She was buy pilfering through the rest of the suitcase.  She said the bear would have to be scanned separate from the luggage.  Fine.  To her credit…she did not comment on the fact there were no jammies in my luggage.
The bear survived the scanning.  On to our connection….
Turns out, K and I are the only 2 passengers continuing on.  After everybody else left and we moved to row 2, they told us it would be an hour before takeoff, so if we wanted something to eat…it was fine for us to deplane.
When we got to the gate agent, he pulled up our names and I told him we didn’t have boarding passes.  He said, and I’m not kidding…”The Unicorn Theory”.  OMG!  K hung her head and my face lit up like a Christmas tree.  K said “DON’T encourage her!!!”  I explained that I believe in unicorns.
He said…you know what…I know I’ll remember you 2 now….go and do what you want and them come back here – you’ll be the first ones back on the plane.
HAH!  After we got a few things, he let us back on even before everyone else was lined up for boarding!  Aren’t we special.
Back in Indy, driving to K’s house, she said I ran a red light.  I turned right and honestly, I didn’t see a red light.
The whole Unicorn comment was just the icing a great weekend!
Thanks to all of you for spending my birthday weekend with me!!!!
Love,
Mom
Notes: She visited us for her birthday. We gave her presents, one of them being a crystal bear (as she collects bears). She forgot her pajamas, yelled bomb on the plane to see us and apparently ran a red light on the way home. It was a big trip. 
PS – Unicorn Count: Five.

Water

Sent: Tue, Aug 30, 2016 at 6:52 PM

Recipients: Son, Daughter, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

Oh. My. God.
WHAT is it with me and water????
I slept in and got to work about noon today, so I worked until 7:30pm.
I get the mail and start up the driveway.
WATER is streaming DOWN the driveway.
It did not rain today.
Its coming from the back of the house.
I thought – oh no…I must have left that nozzle on.
NO, I did NOT leave the nozzle on.  RATHER, that fancy hose rack we bought that has the hose connector from the house to the rack EXPLODED!  WHAT???
The flower bed is flooded, there is probably water in the basement or the crawlspace – I’m not even going to check.  There are waves in the water streaming down the sidewalk and driveway…so much water.
Now my shoes are soaked, my pants are wet and there is a great possibility that it has screwed up the well and I’ll have DIRTY WATER!  Which of course means I have to change out the Osmosis filters for the low low price of God knows what.
I’m sorry to sound frustrated, but this was not my fault.  Just like exploding water heaters (2 of them), the roof leak at the office, the sewer pipe connector in my basement, the pool getting filled to overflow when the kids ‘forgot’ and left the hose on….I could go on and on, but alas, its a bit depressing.
Everyone have a dry evening!!!!!!
Much love,
Wet Mother.
Notes: As someone that has experienced the joys of a wet basement, my heart hurts for her. Also, as someone whose husband bought said “fancy hose rack,” I have an extra dose of sorrow.

The Rock; Pot Pie

Sent: Mon, Feb 1, 2016 at 8:47 PM

Recipients: Son and Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

Ordinarily, you would not think of those 2 things together.  However, yesterday, when I was deciding what to watch on Netflix, I thought “I haven’t seen ‘The Rock’ in several years”  Alas, it was not to be found for free.
So….I watched the rest of Season 7 of SuperNatural.
Tonight, I worked until 7, went to Monday night church, came home to fix the Pot Pie from Blue Apron.
I turned on the TV to enjoy music while I cooked and VOILA!  On comes The Rock in progress on AMC.
I have to say – the reparte with the hair dresser at the Fairmont Hotel is always good for a laugh.
AND….I just finished the Pot Pie just as the Navy Seals got masacred in the shower room.
The Pot Pie is a Taste Delight!  I would never have thought to make a pot pie with turnips and mushrooms, but it was great!  More flavor than potatoes.
Also, now I know how to make shredded chicken – you boil it!
If I could just figure out how to purchase ‘French special Creme’ and that glaze they use… I could recreate this stuff.
I’m sure I won’t find it in these nice convenient packages; however, I need to start looking for it.
So….have a nice evening!
Notes: I’m not sure why, but it feels important to tell you this was the email I got two weeks before we got married. And I will say, their pot pie was a DELIGHT. 

 

stomach

Sent: Sat, Jun 18, 2016 at 5:39 PM

Recipients: Son, Daughter, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

I had a stomach ache when I went out to mow.
Bonus points to anyone who saw that coming.
However, I did not sneeze in the East forest today, AND I had zero mower mishaps.
Cake related?
This theory needs further testing…
Notes: Confused? Please re-read this blog post and then note that this was sent 5 hours later. God bless spice cake. 

It happened again.

Sent: Sun, Aug 7, 2016 at 7:43 PM

Recipients: Daughter, Son, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

After I finished mowing – without incident! – I decided to try once again to start the burn pile in the backyard.  I always save the packing paper from all my online shopping deliveries.
Either that stuff is designed NOT to burn or I am just out of my league.  My kids were the true pyromaniacs.
Anyway, while trying to get some limbs with dry leaves to the area I thought might take off….a limb came out of nowhere and stabbed me in the right eye…that was my good eye.  The left eye is the one that took on the ear mite meds and the umbrella point.
I really need to trim up the mint and water everything, but this is painful  I put the gel in and taped my eye closed.  I could be typing giberish foa all I know….my right eye is my dominant eye…the left one is strictly along for the ride.
I have no answers for my particular issues.
Notes: I thought they way that this started we’d be hearing that she caught the house on fire but it took a sharp turn there with the eye stabbing. Some day we’ll dig the emails about the ear mite meds (mistaken eye drops) and umbrella situation out of the archives.

Its official

Sent: Sat, Jul 16, 2016 at 3:14 PM

Recipients: Daughter, Son, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

Its official.  I’m totally on board with the fact that I’m a goof.  I’ve been in denial for a while.  Today convinced me.

I am really trying to spruce up the yard and landscaping.  In small doses, I’ve been working on reclaiming the edging around the landscaping rocks that have been totally overgrown and rocks everywhere in the yard.  I work on it in the evenings when its cooler and then blow off the rocks.
Today, I started mowing earlier because TWC said it would be cloudy until 2 and a bit cooler.
Storms came through last week that did a number on my forest.  Plus, its molting season for the sycamore trees – shedding bark like crazy.  So, there was a large quantity of tree leaves, whole limbs and sticks in the front yard and side forests.
I took advantage of the cloud cover and focused on the front yard. While doing the front east side – I decided to SKIP the east forest because it looks like a tornado went through there.  I got the yard cart loaded up with the weed eater and blower and hooked up the extra cart and took off to tackle the west forest.   The weed eating is hard work, so I only got a few trees.
Then I blew out the garage….feeling good about my organization of duties for today when BAM! – walked straight into the garage door that was only partially opened.
I wear a special white hat when I mow.  It has a large bill and a scarf in the back that keeps my neck from getting sunburned.  I wear ear protectors that play music, so I’m kind of in my own world.
So…the large bill of the hat kept me from seeing that I was walking straight into the garage door.  i have to admit, it still hurts.  Obviously, I was walking fast.
So, I was starting to lose confidence.
I decided to return to mowing and finish the west forest.
I got 75% done when the mower started acting funny – the left front wheel was just spinning in the air.  I kept checking the chains that hold the mowing deck to see if they were messed up.  I finally decided to drive over to the driveway to see whats up.  The main back tire is totally flat.
So, I couldn’t use the mower to blow the grass off the driveway.  And, of course, its not only grass this week, because all my trees decided to shed so much of themselves in the storm.
I got the blower and started at the bottom of the driveway.  That battery ran out after about 3 sections.  I walked up and got the new battery and made it to the top of the driveway.  I wanted to rake up the huge pile of debris, but my leaf rake if NO WHERE to be found.  Its not in the garage, and I can’t find it in the barn.  Of course, I didn’t turn on the light in the barn, but that’s only because the switch is poorly located.
I even weed wacked the driveway up to the barn until all the string was gone.
So, I’m giving up for today.  The flat tire really deflated me.  Get it?
So…I have decided to embrace the fact that I’m a total goof.
 I can’t stop working outside.  Lord knows I need the exercise and I love my property.
And, you guys have to be tired of hearing from me about all the stupid stuff.  Or, you’re having those secret conversations about how “Mom needs to be put in a home”.
I will say that the mulching blades are the way to go – cuts my mowing down, which is obviously a good thing, as that lessens the opportunity of me doing serious harm to myself and the equipment.
From today’s listening, I have determined I am NOT superman and I’m NOT America’s sweetheart.  I still don’t understand the number of Budweiser commercials and I don’t understand why you would want to eat cake by the ocean – so much sand.
I do love you guys – thanks for listening.
Love,
Your life-challenged Mom
Notes: I love a good pun and I LOST IT at the “deflated me” line. Also, this powerhouse of a woman takes care of acres worth of yard alone. So, all this work here? Huge undertaking. She is in fact superman (woman?) and America’s sweetheart.

tv

Sent: Mon, Jul 11, 2016 at 12:51 PM

Recipients: Daughter, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

There are 3 Wisconsin boys missing from an abandoned mine.  At least they can’t pin this on Steve or Brendan since they are still residing in jail.
Although I wouldn’t bet the farm on them not thinking about it….
Notes: She’s been binge watching ‘Making A Murderer.’ Which I know, because I had to ask for clarification on who Steve and Brendan were. Not long lost family members as I imagined when initially reading the email.