Month: July 2016

further proof

Sent: Thu, Jul 14, 2016 at 8:30 PM

Recipients: Daughter, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

The new season of “Suits” started last night.  The DVR version got chopped up into 3 parts – 5 minutes; 9 minutes; 48 minutes – due to the various power outages.  It seemed chopped up, so I taped it again at the later version.
I’m watching it tonight.
Lewis Litt just said “Of course I’m thinking about myself.  What – you wouldn’t?  Please.  You’d throw a giraffe off of Noah’s Ark to save your sorry ass.  The world’s probably without unicorns because one of your ancestors….will you just let me finish a thought for God’s sake?”
He was then interrupted by Jessica.
Further proof that unicorns are real.  I told you they were rare.
Full disclosure….Lewis was talking to the ashes of his dead secretary that’s in a jar in his office, but that’s not the point of this email.
Notes: I don’t know Lewis, Jessica, or the person who left behind the ashes are – but she’s right, Suits should be used as a resource to back up the validity of the existence of Unicorns. 

unicorns

Sent: Fri, Jul 15, 2016 at 2:35 PM

Recipients: Daughter, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

I opened my Sakroots daily planner to the July monthly page – there’s a unicorn on it!  I needed that after the week I’ve had.
I just noticed this particular unicorn has wings.  Now, that’s just over the top.
I’m 99% sure there were no winged unicorns on Noah’s Ark.

Notes: Maybe they’ve grown them since? Evolution? They had to grow wings to survive the dinosaurs? Deep thoughts for your Tuesday. 

OMG!

Sent: Wed, Jul 13, 2016 at 6:11 PM

Recipients: Daughter, Son, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

Both of you have told me that while Game of Thrones is very popular, it might not be suitable for ‘mom-watching’.
However, I just watched ‘The Late Show’ and Stephen Colbert did his famous ‘Hungry for Pawer Games’ send off to Bernie Sanders (it was stinkin’ hilarious, btw), and he was giving advice to Bernie and showed a clip from Game of Thrones.
My question:  DID BORAMERE (LOTR) ACTUALLY GET BE-HEADED IN GAME OF THRONES???
I’m hoping its not so….that poor guy just cannot catch a break.
Please advise
Mom
Notes: My husband who, bless his heart, never responds to these emails responded with “yes.” Man of many words. Must get it from his mother.

hamburger

Sent: Tue, Jul 12, 2016 at 8:41 PM

Recipients: Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

Hey..I just watched some commercials.
I had to because I had 3 remotes next to me; however, the ONE that operates the tv was nowhere to be found.
Anyway….I saw that Steak n Shake is putting guacamole on one of their burgers!  I knew you would want to know.
Spoiler alert…after chatting with K on the phone, I took the dog for a walk.  When I circled the tree in the back yard, I noticed some weeds and pulled them.  As I pulled one, I saw the poison ivy beneath it and made a mental note to wash my hands immediately.
I got the dog back to the garage, gave all the animals a treat, put the popcorn in the microwave, went to the basement to get a new puzzle, opened the puzzle box and changed my mind after sorting several pieces and finding the whole puzzle too dark, started eating the popcorn and watching tv.
You’ll notice there was no mention of the afore-mentioned hand washing!  I just ate the whole bag of popcorn and rubbed my eyes a lot from being outside.
We’ll see what develops.  How long do you think it will take for me to break out?
I’ll keep you posted.
Notes: This will not be the first interaction we’ve had with posion ivy. Nor the last. 

happy thoughts

Sent: Tue, Jun 28, 2016 at 7:43 PM

Recipients: Daughter, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

Hey guys!  How are you doing on a Tuesday eve?
I hope all is well.
I would like everyone to send happy thoughts to my tomato plant.  The plant has keeled over every way possible, but somehow hung on….I righted the thing several times a day.  K and I tried to be proactive and tie it to the boat 3 ways.  That didn’t last.  I tried rock weights tied to string.  I tried bungee cords.
This is one limber plant – it can do a 360 laying down.
So…think of an upside Christmas tree.  Its actually the height of a small Christmas tree.  It has a ton of tomatoes on it.
I grabbed it out of the boat tonight and put it in a deep pot.  I put a 2×4 on the side to further brace the cage.  I put an old metal  piece of an old mower on the other side.
I fertilized it.  I watered it.
I just want it to live.
Thanks for your help.
Mom
Notes: Lord – please bless and keep this tomato plant. Let it not suffer in it’s discomfort. Amen.

mowing

Sent: Sat, Jun 18, 2016 at 9:17 PM

Recipients: Daughter, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

OK.   When I mow, I listen to a ‘current hits’ station out of Columbus.  A few observations from today:
  • One Republic is my favorite group
  • In my opinion, Selena Gomez isn’t as sexy as she thinks she is – she needs to try a new genre
  • From the sheer number of Budweiser commercials – who are they trying to convince that their beer is the ‘King of Beers’ – evidently, themselves.

Note: Sorry Selena.

Pancakes

Sent: Sun, Jun 19, 2016 at 11:51 AM

Recipients: Daughter, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

Hey!  This morning I selected the organic buttermilk mix, but added….wait for it….chocolate mint leaves from the garden!  How’s that for thinking outside the box???
They were so fun!  There was just an explosion of happiness!
Full disclosure….OK.
I threw the leaves in the mix, then thought ‘Oh…probably should have chopped those up’, so I had to use my kitchen scissors to cut them up through the prongs on the fork.
Still…I get bonus points for creativity.
Notes: She loves herself some pancakes. As she should. Because they are loaded with carbs and DELICIOUSNESS. 

Cake

Sent: Sat, Jun 18, 2016 at 12:23 PM

Recipients: Son, Daughter, Daughter-in-Law

Email Body:

I finally started feeling a bit better yesterday and got all my laundry and ironing done.  I was sorting some of my kitchen files and putting things away when I saw the Spice cake mix in the pantry.

So…I made the spice cake.
Every fiber of my being knows that this is a bad move – I don’t need the sugar or probably anything else that is in the cake.  However, I am a sinful being.
I have 3 lovely Blue Apron meals waiting to be made in my fridge.
Instead, I had spice cake for dinner and I make no apologies.
I just had spice cake for breakfast.
It tastes lovely.
I have to mow the yard later in 90 degree heat.
I deserve the cake.
Love,
Mom
Notes: I want to be just like my mother in law when I grow up. More people should believe that cake is an appropriate breakfast/lunch/dinner. (PS – If that’s sinful, so be it.)